An important lesson

I learned something new today, something that many people have learned already: when someone spreads lies about you:
  1. It indicates that they are terribly insecure.
  2. They don't know how to be awesome, so they push down on those around them.
  3. Anyone who knows you (and is worth knowing) will see through the lie.
  4. Anyone who believes the lie doesn't know you and, consequently, their opinions don't matter at all.
  5. Liars only hurt themselves and block the way to their own freedom.

I've finally internalized that knowledge and I am relieved! I am unhurt and free!

And, all I have left in my heart for this person is the sincere hope that one day they free themselves from their pain.

(Good luck on your journey.)

Free Advice

I'm asked regularly if I have any advice for people starting out in polyamory. I think I answered the question fairly well today, so here's what I had to say: 


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Alright, here's my advice: as with any relationship, remember that there's nothing your partner can do to make you feel happy or angry or sad. Your happiness is your own creation and experience. If you and your partner can see joy in each other and want your partner to do things that bring them more joy, you're in good shape for polyamory! 


Now, there are different levels of poly life - everything from swinging (just sex), to primary/secondary/hierarchical arrangements, to fully autonomous polyamory. The last one works best for me because there are no limits set on what the other person is "allowed" to do.  


Serious Do's:  
-Above all, get into a gentle, loving, respectful relationship with yourself!  
-Practice safer sex 
-Arrange your schedules conscientiously and keep important dates written down 
-Keep your partners' happiness and well being in *almost* as high a position as your own 
-Remember how awesome your existing partner is even when you're caught up in 'new relationship energy' 
-End relationships when they need to end 
-Remember that jealousy is an expression of a need and if it comes up, you should figure out what it is that's needed 
-Ask for what you need 
-If your partner asks for something from you and you can't provide it, say no (and get rid of any guilt over it) 
-Talk about everything -Remember that everything changes, ends and begins 
-Do the best you can... never try!  


There are some books out there that you might want to read... The Ethical Slut (Easton), Opening Up (Taormino), The Mastery of Love (Ruiz) and Stranger in a Strange Land (Heinlein) are my faves.  


I hope that helps! I wish you and your wife all the best as you get going on the SANEST relationship model there is, whether or not there are more than two of you involved :D  


Much Love! Ara
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I think, at the core of it, being in a good relationship with yourself is what allows you to be in successful relationships with others. The more you love yourself, the less likely you are to allow someone else to abuse you. Not everyone is going to understand or appreciate your efforts to be loving to yourself, but that's ok. It can seem hurtful that they either want you to live in a way that's not right for you or they want you to feel guilt and make apologies for putting your own interests first, but that's just where those people are at. I'm happy enough to let them go on with their lives as I go on with mine. (And mine's awesome!) <3

I've been reading a wonderful blog lately, called "by the seat of our pants" by Jasie VanGesen.


Here's a woman who seems to have a similar perspective on life as I do, from family dynamics to unschooling! Her post today, called 'and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make' felt particularly meaningful to me, given my current relationship with my mother and having just spent an afternoon (a rather nice afternoon) with her for Mother's Day.


I wrote to Jasie today and I'll share what I wrote with you:

"In particular, your post about family (biological and not) really touched me. I've had a trying relationship with my own mother and she's never really understood my views or desires. She's been unsupportive of things that brought me joy and that will continue to bring joy and love to me, like my unconventional family and our decision to move to Nova Scotia. Over the past six months we've had very little contact and certainly none of the closeness and friendship that we had when I was living a life more in line with her ideas of propriety and security. It's been difficult to let her (or that other relationship we had) go and I've been learning to find the validation and unconditional love with the people I've chosen to have as a family.

In this process, I've been learning to forgive her and I've come to a new perspective on forgiveness. It's not about being "OK" with what she's done or not in her role as Mother, it's about knowing that everyone is at their own level of development or enlightenment and that she COULDN'T have given me what I wanted from her. Really, it was my 'stomping my feet in frustration' attitude that was causing me pain. Forgiveness is just about accepting the situation (and people) as they are... it just is. 

Anyway, that might have been TMI, but I thought that since you put so much of yourself out there, it might be nice to know that it resonates profoundly with your readers. Or, at least, this one!"

Even if it seems like there are a lot of mean, superficial people out there , there are also a lot of awesome people out there. She's one of them!  

How does the depth of my love for someone else affect my love for you? How is the quality of our relationship diminished by the success of my other relationship? Even the most enlightened among us are dogged by a persistent and destructive thought pattern: jealousy. Dealing with it is one of the basics of polyamory.

Jealousy can be overcome, but we need to keep watch for it. Jealousy is neither an emotion nor an expression of love; it’s a thought pattern that indicates a sense of lack, loss or insecurity. It’s a reaction ingrained in our minds –our culture is saturated with stories of the One True Love, of the disgrace and shame of being a cuckold, of the gallant lover who wins back his girl from a lesser partner, or of the admirable, self-respecting woman who leaves her partner who fell in love with someone else… all happily ever after, of course. It’s bunk - conscious people can move beyond it.

I have to wonder why humans have this tendency to either possess another person or to feel as if the value of a relationship is tied to the quality of a partner’s other relationships. Maybe it comes from our animal side – where mating is a competition and the victor gets to pass along DNA. I really don’t know.

Successful polyamorists have made the switch in their conscious minds from a competition/scarcity model to one where love is an infinite and expanding resource. It’s not an easy change for many people, but it’s within everyone’s ability, should they feel ready to make it happen. I doubt that everyone would necessarily want more than one partner, but the ability to let go of jealousy can help all relationships, including platonic ones. With practice, it becomes almost innate and I'm sure there are some people out there who never feel it at all. 

Something akin to the questions in the first paragraph came up today with one of my partners. It was a gut reaction to something and, most likely, my love’s need of sleep probably had a lot to do with it. I know we can talk about it and deal with it later though. We’re smart, rational people, but not robots. I expect we’ll deal with these issues throughout the years. The “open and honest communication” mantra of the poly community exists because it’s fundamental to relationship health, and acutely necessary when more than two people are involved. 

For weeks, I’ve hemmed and hawed about my first post. Should I write something sweeping and thematic or would a simple introduction suffice?

Writing seemed to be the best way to organize my thoughts and maybe (probably) vent some stress as I work through a big life change. I live in Edmonton, Alberta and in five to six months time I’m moving to Nova Scotia with my intentional family. I’m polyamorous, mom to two kitties and something of an iconoclast.

I’ve been in the real estate industry for about ten years and I’m looking at job-hunting for a temporary position for the remainder of my time in Edmonton. Before I leave this town, I’ll be finishing work on my house and yard and listing it for sale. With any luck, we (The Family) will find the perfect house with the perfect bit of land in Nova Scotia before the fall.

I’m a busy gal.

The idea of conscious hedonism came to me a little while ago. Whatever pulls me farther from joy and my true purpose on this planet will create suffering and misery. I don’t buy into the notion that any person owes or owns me and vice versa. I want to increase my joy and pleasure and, if I can, help my loved ones. I’m not talking about acquiring material possessions – I’ve only found entrapment in that. I intend to bring together a loving family, build a life that is sustainable and responsible and find time to pursue and enjoy my interests. I want each member of the family to do what’s best for them because that will be what’s best for everyone.

The past couple of years have been transformative and it’s been interesting to see how I fit (or don’t) into conventional society, which is insane, for the most part.

Awakening and shedding has not been an easy process and it’s been particularly hard on certain relationships with people who only recognize happiness if it’s on their terms and fits into the forms they value. They think I’m naïve, they complain of the sadness I’ve caused them and they say ‘this is simply how the world works.’ Condescension, guilt and resignation to misery couched in well-meaning advice.

I understand how the world works and I see its dysfunction. I wouldn’t trade the joy I feel now for any superficial comfort in that world.

So, I am opting out. I am setting things in place that will support and protect my family and me. It surely means a simpler lifestyle, since money is one of the ways that world attaches itself to a person, but I am looking forward to it. Everything I do now is done for the establishment of a safe space for the Family, where we can expand love and live fearlessly and joyfully.