How does the depth of my love for someone else affect my love for you? How is the quality of our relationship diminished by the success of my other relationship? Even the most enlightened among us are dogged by a persistent and destructive thought pattern: jealousy. Dealing with it is one of the basics of polyamory.

Jealousy can be overcome, but we need to keep watch for it. Jealousy is neither an emotion nor an expression of love; it’s a thought pattern that indicates a sense of lack, loss or insecurity. It’s a reaction ingrained in our minds –our culture is saturated with stories of the One True Love, of the disgrace and shame of being a cuckold, of the gallant lover who wins back his girl from a lesser partner, or of the admirable, self-respecting woman who leaves her partner who fell in love with someone else… all happily ever after, of course. It’s bunk - conscious people can move beyond it.

I have to wonder why humans have this tendency to either possess another person or to feel as if the value of a relationship is tied to the quality of a partner’s other relationships. Maybe it comes from our animal side – where mating is a competition and the victor gets to pass along DNA. I really don’t know.

Successful polyamorists have made the switch in their conscious minds from a competition/scarcity model to one where love is an infinite and expanding resource. It’s not an easy change for many people, but it’s within everyone’s ability, should they feel ready to make it happen. I doubt that everyone would necessarily want more than one partner, but the ability to let go of jealousy can help all relationships, including platonic ones. With practice, it becomes almost innate and I'm sure there are some people out there who never feel it at all. 

Something akin to the questions in the first paragraph came up today with one of my partners. It was a gut reaction to something and, most likely, my love’s need of sleep probably had a lot to do with it. I know we can talk about it and deal with it later though. We’re smart, rational people, but not robots. I expect we’ll deal with these issues throughout the years. The “open and honest communication” mantra of the poly community exists because it’s fundamental to relationship health, and acutely necessary when more than two people are involved. 

For weeks, I’ve hemmed and hawed about my first post. Should I write something sweeping and thematic or would a simple introduction suffice?

Writing seemed to be the best way to organize my thoughts and maybe (probably) vent some stress as I work through a big life change. I live in Edmonton, Alberta and in five to six months time I’m moving to Nova Scotia with my intentional family. I’m polyamorous, mom to two kitties and something of an iconoclast.

I’ve been in the real estate industry for about ten years and I’m looking at job-hunting for a temporary position for the remainder of my time in Edmonton. Before I leave this town, I’ll be finishing work on my house and yard and listing it for sale. With any luck, we (The Family) will find the perfect house with the perfect bit of land in Nova Scotia before the fall.

I’m a busy gal.

The idea of conscious hedonism came to me a little while ago. Whatever pulls me farther from joy and my true purpose on this planet will create suffering and misery. I don’t buy into the notion that any person owes or owns me and vice versa. I want to increase my joy and pleasure and, if I can, help my loved ones. I’m not talking about acquiring material possessions – I’ve only found entrapment in that. I intend to bring together a loving family, build a life that is sustainable and responsible and find time to pursue and enjoy my interests. I want each member of the family to do what’s best for them because that will be what’s best for everyone.

The past couple of years have been transformative and it’s been interesting to see how I fit (or don’t) into conventional society, which is insane, for the most part.

Awakening and shedding has not been an easy process and it’s been particularly hard on certain relationships with people who only recognize happiness if it’s on their terms and fits into the forms they value. They think I’m naïve, they complain of the sadness I’ve caused them and they say ‘this is simply how the world works.’ Condescension, guilt and resignation to misery couched in well-meaning advice.

I understand how the world works and I see its dysfunction. I wouldn’t trade the joy I feel now for any superficial comfort in that world.

So, I am opting out. I am setting things in place that will support and protect my family and me. It surely means a simpler lifestyle, since money is one of the ways that world attaches itself to a person, but I am looking forward to it. Everything I do now is done for the establishment of a safe space for the Family, where we can expand love and live fearlessly and joyfully.