I learned something new today, something that many people have learned already: when someone spreads lies about you:
1. It indicates that they are terribly insecure.
2. They don't know how to be awesome, so they push down on those around them.
3. Anyone who knows you (and is worth knowing) will see through the lie.
4. Anyone who believes the lie doesn't know you and, consequently, their opinions don't matter at all.
5. Liars only hurt themselves and block the way to their own freedom.
I've finally internalized that knowledge and I am relieved! I am unhurt and free!
And, all I have left in my heart for this person is the sincere hope that one day they free themselves from their pain.
(Good luck on your journey.)
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Free Advice
I'm asked regularly if I have any advice for people starting out in polyamory. I think I answered the question fairly well today, so here's what I had to say:
_____________________________________
Alright, here's my advice: as with any relationship, remember that there's nothing your partner can do to make you feel happy or angry or sad. Your happiness is your own creation and experience. If you and your partner can see joy in each other and want your partner to do things that bring them more joy, you're in good shape for polyamory!
Now, there are different levels of poly life - everything from swinging (just sex), to primary/secondary/hierarchical arrangements, to fully autonomous polyamory. The last one works best for me because there are no limits set on what the other person is "allowed" to do.
Serious Do's:
-Above all, get into a gentle, loving, respectful relationship with yourself!
-Practice safer sex
-Arrange your schedules conscientiously and keep important dates written down
-Keep your partners' happiness and well being in *almost* as high a position as your own
-Remember how awesome your existing partner is even when you're caught up in 'new relationship energy'
-End relationships when they need to end
-Remember that jealousy is an expression of a need and if it comes up, you should figure out what it is that's needed
-Ask for what you need
-If your partner asks for something from you and you can't provide it, say no (and get rid of any guilt over it)
-Talk about everything -Remember that everything changes, ends and begins
-Do the best you can... never try!
There are some books out there that you might want to read... The Ethical Slut (Easton), Opening Up (Taormino), The Mastery of Love (Ruiz) and Stranger in a Strange Land (Heinlein) are my faves.
I hope that helps! I wish you and your wife all the best as you get going on the SANEST relationship model there is, whether or not there are more than two of you involved :D
Much Love! Ara
_____________________________________
I think, at the core of it, being in a good relationship with yourself is what allows you to be in successful relationships with others. The more you love yourself, the less likely you are to allow someone else to abuse you. Not everyone is going to understand or appreciate your efforts to be loving to yourself, but that's ok. It can seem hurtful that they either want you to live in a way that's not right for you or they want you to feel guilt and make apologies for putting your own interests first, but that's just where those people are at. I'm happy enough to let them go on with their lives as I go on with mine. (And mine's awesome!) <3
_____________________________________
Alright, here's my advice: as with any relationship, remember that there's nothing your partner can do to make you feel happy or angry or sad. Your happiness is your own creation and experience. If you and your partner can see joy in each other and want your partner to do things that bring them more joy, you're in good shape for polyamory!
Now, there are different levels of poly life - everything from swinging (just sex), to primary/secondary/hierarchical arrangements, to fully autonomous polyamory. The last one works best for me because there are no limits set on what the other person is "allowed" to do.
Serious Do's:
-Above all, get into a gentle, loving, respectful relationship with yourself!
-Practice safer sex
-Arrange your schedules conscientiously and keep important dates written down
-Keep your partners' happiness and well being in *almost* as high a position as your own
-Remember how awesome your existing partner is even when you're caught up in 'new relationship energy'
-End relationships when they need to end
-Remember that jealousy is an expression of a need and if it comes up, you should figure out what it is that's needed
-Ask for what you need
-If your partner asks for something from you and you can't provide it, say no (and get rid of any guilt over it)
-Talk about everything -Remember that everything changes, ends and begins
-Do the best you can... never try!
There are some books out there that you might want to read... The Ethical Slut (Easton), Opening Up (Taormino), The Mastery of Love (Ruiz) and Stranger in a Strange Land (Heinlein) are my faves.
I hope that helps! I wish you and your wife all the best as you get going on the SANEST relationship model there is, whether or not there are more than two of you involved :D
Much Love! Ara
_____________________________________
I think, at the core of it, being in a good relationship with yourself is what allows you to be in successful relationships with others. The more you love yourself, the less likely you are to allow someone else to abuse you. Not everyone is going to understand or appreciate your efforts to be loving to yourself, but that's ok. It can seem hurtful that they either want you to live in a way that's not right for you or they want you to feel guilt and make apologies for putting your own interests first, but that's just where those people are at. I'm happy enough to let them go on with their lives as I go on with mine. (And mine's awesome!) <3
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